How I Chose Divorce
I write this article with a measure of humbleness around where I sit now, compared to when I was “IN IT.” I have had the gift of time, perspective shifts, and continued clarity…but there were indeed times I was a hot mess and did not see clearly.
I endeavor to keep returning to love, though. I write this article hoping that someone may see their own marital/relational struggles with increased clarity and find their next loving action – whether it’s turning towards or away from their partner.
The word “divorce” didn’t enter my inner vocabulary until we were nearly at the very decision point. I merely knew that my husband and I were deeply unhappy for several years, and something was not right in our marital world.
It took me some time to consciously become aware of a need for an actual decision point. An excruciating moment needed to happen (and did) to help catalyze the necessary clarity. The details of that are our own and are just that – details.
Below is the “birdseye” view of how I chose divorce.
In my 20+ years of marriage, I expressed my free will infrequently or in a passive, sideways way. It worked for a long time to operate in this way and to keep the flow of marital and family life trucking along. I don’t blame anyone – it was how I knew to be and operate. (For more on free will, please see the end of this article for some beautiful thoughts).
Then came a time when I grew and expanded. I expressed (more forcefully) my right to have my own opinion and free will.
This desire was not honored or celebrated, and it became apparent that it would continue that way until I was exhausted with the struggle and the limitations of my relationship. There was little energy for anything else.
After our painful and catalyzing moment, I came to realize that my marriage no longer served Growth, Love & Life and that I (and he, for that matter) were worthy of more expansiveness.
I did not decide to divorce flippantly. It was not about resisting the challenge of momentary stress and pressure that is inevitable to any relationship (we had weathered 20+ years, four children, building/remodeling multiple homes, moving a dozen+ times, and more, just fine).
I decided with awareness – and in retrospect, here is the grid I used.
My grid for deciding whether divorce actually SUPPORTS love:
“If the essence of your being, your character, is not admired, seen with fondness, or disregarded on a long-term basis – that is not supportive of the love that you are – Nor perhaps, is it supportive of the other person’s being and the love that they are.” ~Love Without End
If you find too many of your marital days include loneliness, frustration, sadness, and unwillingness to change the contributing patterns – it’s worth considering better days.
If you’ve been doing your inner work and there is an ever-widening gulf between you and your partner – what is most supportive of the fresh, evolving person you are becoming?
Choose a course of action that honors your value and the value of Love – which does not mean “sticking it out” at all costs. That could be the opposite of loving action.
I’ve done a lot of forgiving of both myself and my former husband for our limitations.
Divorce was hell (I would not wish it on my worst enemy), but it was also one of the most incredible gifts of my life.
The exquisite pain – was followed by – exquisite Peace, Power, and Pleasure being a regular part of my life.
Now, I explore and nurture my free will and co-creation with Spirit. I have learned to express it with conviction and love, and my sweetheart has wholeheartedly celebrated it for the past two years.
My free will is an extension of my intuition, which I cherish as the power of my heart paired with Spirit’s higher leadings.
Here are three things that I credit for strengthening my innate gutsiness to explore free will:
- The GAPS Protocol – which then became a passion & service I wanted to share. Gut level Peace.
- Beginning my functional nutrition & GAPS Practice and earning my own income. Entrepreneurialism gifts a journey of courage-finding to anyone brave enough to face the challenges that inevitably come. Personal Power.
- Learning to give myself the love that I craved/needed – first – before asking anyone else to do so. Embracing Pleasure.
For more on Free Will, I love this passage from Love Without End:
“Freedoms revolve around two fundamental principles of free will and human equality.
Free will is the foundation right given by the Creator to all of souls. It is the right to be who you really are and to make choices in life which give evidence to that truth.
Life is full of movement, with varying possibilities and options for change. Through the choices you make, you give support to your life, your love, and your truth.
In and of itself, context or environment may or may not honor or sustain the essence of who you are.
The reason is that you are a child of God and not a child of circumstance.
The very fact of having free will is what liberates you from the imprisonment of circumstance. You may initiate changes to make a situation compatible with your love, and you can choose not to support those situations that deny your love.”